love me or leave me alone

If you have doubts let me know what they are. Tell the truth. Don't cheat me out of the goal, the real dream. Don't leave me with half truths or partial dreams.

12 years

J.
If it's truly been twelve years then I don't understand exactly why you would want to put it off any longer when it's clear that we are better together. If you need time give me a time frame that's accurate but don't keep me in the dark stumbling around trying to find my way. I'm a people-pleaser if you'd give me a shot but let me know definitively on a real and personal level that I'm not being lead on. 12 years of mistakes and loneliness is enough for me. 12 years of settling for other people and other things. No words can express it and I know you feel the same. Action is love. But the single life is no longer viable for me if I've had a taste of the truth to come. I need daily affirmation from you, not just from family, friends or myself. I'm no good by myself. Give me a break. Break free or leave me be. Reveal the prestige. Work with me in a real way not a virtual way. I need human contact to know it's for real. Call me. You have resources... Use them, set me free. You free me.
I'm a slave to myself. Teamwork works. I've got your back if you have mine which I know you do. I, again, know what I've signed and I need a real sign that it's true.

l8r,
cj

Who is you?

Somebody Keeps Me Very Interested but pisses me off a little bit. I am polite but feel like I'm being severely jacked with. The trouble I have with it is I know what I've signed and I feel taken advantage of. I would not have signed away my rights if I had known the extent of all of this. I expect to be paid. I expect to be loved. I'm not in it for some grand standing showboating. I'm in it for love and money is very important to me and my would be mrs. Who is she? Is she even available? I think she is but how should I effing know for sure. She doesn't call. She just plays foolish games and messes with my phone and computer. I'm not down and out, I'm just saying. Who expects me to stand when I'm lacking the motivation to know the truth. I don't want no god-damned bait and switch. I'm a carnivore and I want the cricket on the hook. I expect to be let go to return to my family. Does that make any effing sense to anyone listening. Yah, I'm pissed. Should I be grateful and just take my meds. Should I drink the tainted water? Kool, I have aides. Big deal. I'm not a loser. I deserve to be able to do my job and be me but with her I am more me. Is that her job? Who the hell knows but Steven, I've got issues with you right now. You to babe.

And you're response is of course, 'prove it'. How fucking convenient. Liars and lawbreakers... there's legal and then what's right. I want my privacy. I want a wife who loves me and doesn't cheat. I don't want to be the other guy. I don't want to be step-dad. I know what that admission could mean. I am willing to love your child but if he has a dad then I can be a role model. But you have to be sure that you love me and not him. The ball's in your court so you contact me in the real world when you know what the hell you want. I'll be here, just don't make me wait too long. I had two years and you did nothing. What's the story there? Were you not keeping tabs? How was my roommate involved? Am I crazy? No, I think not.

Only the paranoid survive... --Bill Gates.

l8r,
cj

Today is a better day

I'm tired but inspired. I have a great friend who looks out for me. We make plans and I like the way we work together. I'd like to be able to work together on a more personal face to face manner but for now it's great!

Disappointment sets in?

Is it real and if so what does that really mean in the long-run? I've got to say God-damn the people who don't hear. I know you hear but you seem to ignore. Are you shy? Are you ashamed? Is it a tease? I don't care, not today. I mean I always care, it just seems like today it doesn't matter if I care or not. It seems out of reach and pointless. But I still believe. I still feel we are worth it. I'm afraid I'm the only one to care and not the only one too. What does it mean? Perhaps only time will tell but it doesn't seem like time is speeding up to me, it seems like it's going at a snails pace. I hurt with sadness. I think you might say "Good" to that. I guess I deserve to feel this way with all you've had to put up with regarding my history. Today, I am only guessing despite all I think I know.
l8r jj,
cj

#4u

How long must I really wait to see you? Will it take the whole year? I know that's what they say but I at least hope you meet me half way if not sooner. I need help and have help but even though I know I must stand on my own I'm used to crutches so it may take a while. I'll be working my ass off to gain back the strength from my fall. It's messy when you fall sometimes. Other times, there is someone there to catch you or at least someone who cares that you have fallen and is there to pick you up. I have been picked up. Sooner, sooner, sooner, with every Nebraskan second... I wait patiently, on your terms but I do not sit idle. I have plenty of work to do and so I work as I am able, finding motivation all around but I fear I have less motivation at a distance without you by my side. Hurry up and wait is part of service and I am ready to serve. How is becoming more clear and I write and I do, not always in the same order and sometimes while tired but I am growing out of my old chaotic routines, perhaps into new chaotic routines but with a clearer mind and a more focused heart I can find the subtle patterns in the chaos and see the clear choices that lay before me.
Today I love my life. I hope I won't find too much disappointment as the future unfolds. #soberCommitment

I know what is going on and I love you for it. I have a rubber band on my finger. I like the ring and the dresses. I have work to do on my body. Let's dance...